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13th-Sep-2009 06:38 pm - well
I still can't get use to blogging at least once a week. I can never remember to do it.

Well. Fuck Paul. I spent everyday from April to August waiting and crying for him. I realized that he is just playing games with me and obviously, it is not worth it. Besides, everyone has been telling me that he has been drinking profusely everyday. I don't need to be around someone who gets drunk daily.

I got denied from the college I was sure would take me. I am now stuck here for another year. I'm going to community college. I'm going to do as much as possible to get to that school so I can REALLY go to Barcelona next year. It's going to take a lot of work, but i'm going to do it.

I don't know what else to say about my life besides playing Beatles Rock Band daily and smoking weed every other night. Weed is so relaxing after a long day of classes. I only smoke once I've done all my homework. I am not longer the avid smoker I used to be.
30th-Jul-2009 11:47 pm - Turning over a new leaf
Well, Paul and I won't ever work out. I've already cried and moped about it. All I can say is that the saying,"some things are too good to be true" is absolutely right.

I am moving to Colorado in three weeks. No more warm winters for me sadly. The great thing about this though is the chance for me to shop for new clothes. I practically threw out all my clothing. I only kept the skirts, dresses, basics and favorite items. I am selling it all so I can start rebuilding my wardrobe. It's going to be mainly vintage or vintage-inspired clothing. I might be moving to a small outdoor enthusiast town, but I'm still going to bring the glamor that I live and very much love.

I'm excited, yet not for this whole college experience. I really dread having a roommate. The Universe will help me out and I will have my own dorm just like my sister did when she went there. It will happen, I have the willpower to make it happen!

Yet the one thing I cannot get out of my mind is the fact that I really won't have anyone to relate to. I already don't fit in with anyone here nor do I know anyone with the same style as me. Now i'm going to a small town where the kids are all into REI and hemp. Goodness.

10th-Jul-2009 02:16 am - this doesn't feel like falling
I feel that I only write about Paul, but I think it's because it's what I feel the most strongly about right now.

I didn't get accepted into Ft. Lewis College. I didn't cry or get terribly upset and oddly enough, I was actually somewhat happy about it. First, I was only going there to get out of Arizona. Second, I hate snow. Third, that means I have to stay here at least one more year which means more time with Paul.

I finally turned 18, the day I thought we both were waiting for. He didn't tell me happy birthday or anything and I was kind of upset about it. I mean he was counting down the days, why would he not tell me! It's so strange, he is different in person. He is the sweetest guy and is always telling me cute little comments but when he is not in front of me, he doesn't do that, He hardly ever talks to me.

He called me the day after and we talked on the phone for awhile. I was angry at him for not telling me happy birthday but as soon as I started talking to him and he started being cute, I couldn't be mad. I was with my friend and he is best friends with Paul. I asked him if he had been talking about me to him and he said yes. I asked him if Paul was into me (because it isn't apparent to me) and he said yes but there is a catch.

He wants to know if I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.

*sigh* seriously? I knew religion would be an issue, but not this big of an issue. I am not going to lie and be fake about religion because to me that is disrespectful. I told my friend to tell him that I am spiritually seeking and like U2's song, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

This is the only thing that is keeping us apart besides the fact he rarely talks to me and this strange age difference I suddenly felt when I hung out with him on Monday. It's was obvious that we are both in different places in life. I'm mature for my age, but not on his level. I kinda feel like he treats me like a child.

I don't know how this is going to work, but I've never wanted to fight so hard for someone. I have no patience and this has taken everything and more from me. I think for the first time, I am truly falling for someone. My eyes are solely on him and I want nothing more than to give him everything I have because I believe he is worth it. Hopefully he sees it.

20th-Jun-2009 01:45 am - enlightenment
I have become a spiritual pursuer since last July. I bought The Secret and I didn't know what it was when I bought it. Actually, in all honesty, I stole it for my sister before her flight to Boston. Well I ended up reading it when she came home and I was immediately all about it. I had gone to a Christian school and last summer I had ultimately decided Christianity wasn't for me. I didn't grow up religious. I guess I have always been in pursuit of spirituality since I was younger. Well I knew that the law of attraction was working for me. Still somewhat is.

Until tonight.

I saw posters around town for something called Evening with the Mystic. Sadhguru, a Yogi, was to be in town and was going to talk about "finding happiness and peace in this modern world." It also talked about meditation (i'm all about it) and Isha yoga. I was curious, plus why would I pass up an evening that would most likely leave me enlightened? I invited my father and sister to come with me because I knew they would love to go. We get there and my dad had brought his girlfriend and my brother. My brother brought his girlfriend.

Sadhguru definitely left me a little more enlightened. When he first came on stage, he sat down and looked around the crowd. I was in the 5th or 6th row and he looked at me and I smiled. He smiled back at me. It was strange, I got this good vibe from him! I loved what he had to say. He has a wonderful sense of humour and is very intelligent. His talk truly spoke to me, it's what I have been looking for. After the talk, he was walking down the center aisle, blessing and thanking people for coming. I went to the end because there wasn't many people there. People started waiting for him to walk by. When he finally got to me, I put my hands together (like you do when you pray) and I bowed my head to him. He did the same back to me and smiled and he grabbed my hands and he blessed me!

I felt so... enlightened. I realized that this is what I have been looking for. I decided i'm going to start attending Isha yoga, meditating every day, and i'm going to go to the spiritual wellness center every Sunday. I feel like I can find that constant bliss. It's possible!

the wonderful Sadhguru!

17th-Jun-2009 12:17 am - stellar
I am a VERY BIG fan of Incubus. I'm an even bigger fan of Brandon Boyd. Not only is he the most beautiful man to walk this earth at this present time, but he is one of my favorite writers. I am so in love with his words, I don't know how to quite explain it. I just bought Monuments and Melodies which features new songs along with all their hits. The new songs are so good, especially the song Let's Get Crazy. His voice is to say the least, orgasmic. I was listening to the song Stellar and thought to myself, this is somewhat how I feel in this point in time. Then I listened to others songs and I realized each of them have taken an emotional toll on my soul. I feel something in almost every song.

Brandon Boyd writes the best love songs hands down. Lately, they all remind me of Paul.

I really want him. I am disregarding others and have my eyes focus solely on him. I quit smoking weed just for him. I am trying not to cuss as much as I used to. I seriously have such deep feelings of admiration for him that I keep doubting myself. I believe I am actually really falling for him. I think that is why I doubt what I feel for him or why I am so scared. I'm so afraid that he won't want me or he doesn't like me as much as I like him. It's so difficult for me, I've never really felt quite like this. Right now, he is all I truly want.

He is 23. I'm turning 18 in two and a half weeks. He said he wouldn't be with me until I turned 18 about 2 months ago. For the past two months, it's all I've been thinking about.

I want him so bad, I want to really be in love and I really adore him. I keep doubting it though and I need to stop. The Law of Attraction says I cannot doubt it or I will never get it. It's because I have so many emotions going into this.

Brandon Boyd has been curing my soul though. As always, music says the things I wish I could say. It expresses every feeling I have. I am determined to meet Brandon Boyd next month, it's going to happen. I need to meet the person who is singing me to sleep every night and is putting my soul at ease.

13th-Jun-2009 04:36 pm - !
I am terribly annoyed with my family right now.

I was supposed to be home in NM this weekend til Monday. I told my father over a month ago that I was going. Thursday comes around and he tells me I'm not allowed to go. He tells me I should go with my sisters and aunt to Colorado to visit the college I am going to in the fall. I have been to that town thousands of times and my sister went to that school so I've definitely seen it before. I believe he wouldn't let me go to NM because he wanted me to go to Colorado. First off, I don't like Colorado. I'm only going to school there because it's free for me and I want to get out of Arizona. Second, my sisters have been annoying me.

My oldest sister went to school in Colorado. She keeps telling me I should take a summer class or go to a summer college program to see if I like it blahblahblah. My friend Zac told me his sister goes to the same school in Colorado and she should show me the ropes. This is getting to be EXTREMELY annoying. I know college isn't high school, it's different and much harder. I know this now let me see for myself this fall. Fuck you very much.

I'm tired of people telling me what to do. They are treating me like a child. I feel they all underestimate me. They all know I'm mature for my age and I'm driven, yet they still are talking to me like I'm a scared little girl. I'm not scared. I've been waiting for this for a very long time and I want my independence. I want to do what I want without having people telling me what's right or wrong or their opinion on what I'm doing. I know what's right and wrong, I am responsible. I'm an adult now, they still haven't realized it yet.

Adrien Brody, you're my instant happy ma parfait gentleman

11th-Jun-2009 01:52 am - midnight ramblings
It's actually 2 AM. I've been reading a book a local psycologist wrote with the Dalai Lama. It's about happiness and how to maintain it always. It was talking about intimacy and how it contributes to our happiness. Intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex or anything. Intia from Latin mean innermost. What intimacy means to be is to share your most inner being with another.

All I've been thinking about is how much I want to be in love and what i'm looking for in a guy. Everyone around seems to be with someone and I would really like to be one of them.

I need him <3

3rd-Jun-2009 04:08 pm(no subject)
Living in Arizona, I've realized many things. I feel like no one here really has inspiration to get out of here. It's not a bad place to live, the winters are perfect. Yet, there isn't opportunity out here. Everything is a chain here, small businesses don't do very well and finding a legitimate career here seems impossible. Phoenix also lacks culture. I believe the lack of culture is because the city is fairly "young". We haven't really developed as a city. Of course, the most culture you find is downtown. Everywhere else is housing developments and subdivisions. Every house with the same layout, just different exterior colors. The same could be said about the people. They are all the same. I feel Arizonians are very stuck up. If you're not into what they are into, then you're not as cool as them. It's hard to talk to people because no one talks to each other. I'm not used to that! No one smiles at each other or is very polite to one another.

Maybe the fact I cannot relate to anyone my age is another factor.  I cannot wait for college, even though I'll be back in smalltown america. I am fine with that. I think that's what I need before I go and travel the world.
1st-Jun-2009 06:15 pm - well
Now that I am officially done with high school, what is there to do?

I need a job. I need to start blogging more. I need to take more pictures. I need more more more.
17th-May-2009 10:45 am(no subject)
my first entry of many to come.

I don't know exactly what to write right now so I guess I will wait to post something later!
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